The other day I read a very amusing paragraph about an old bill which I would like to share with you. Very often bills come in merely stating that they are for ‘Goods’ and it is quite a job trying to work out just how those goods total up to that amount. Sometimes we have the courage to ask for a detailed account.
However, this is about an artist who was engaged to restore an old picture in a Welsh church and payment was refused because he did not specify the details of his work. Judge their surprise when the amended account was presented. It read like this:
| Item... | embellishing Pontius Pilate and putting new ribbons on his hat | .. 2s |
| Item... | putting a tail on St. Peter's rooster and doing up his comb | .. 6s. |
| Item... | repluming the Angel Gabriel | .. 6s |
| Item... | washing the High Priest’s servant | .. 5s |
| Item... | cleaning St. David's ears | .. 2s. |
| Item... | renewing Heaven, adjusting the stars and cleaning the moon | .. 7s |
| Item... | brightening up the flames of Hell, putting a new tail on the Devil, mending his hoof and several odd jobs for the damned | .. 12s. |
| Item... | touching up purgatory and restoring lost souls | .. 7s |
| Item... | mending the prodigal Son's shirt | .. 3s |
Words of wisdom
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered round her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They offered her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Suddenly she remembered a bottle of whiskey received the previous Christmas. She opened it, and poured a generous amount into the still-warm milk.
Back at the Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then some more. Before they knew it, she had drained the glass down to the last drop.
‘Mother’, the nuns asked earnestly, ‘please give us some words of wisdom before you die’. Mother Superior raised herself up on her bed, a pious look on her face, and said, ‘Don’t sell the cow!’
How to look after penguins!
A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car.
A bobby pulled him over and told him, ‘Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo.’
The man agreed and drove off. The next day the same man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car again.
The same bobby pulled him over. ‘Oi,’ he said, ‘I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!’
The man answered, ‘I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies’