An atheist was walking along in the snows of Alaska when he heard footsteps behind him. Turning around, to his horror he saw a large bear following him. He stopped walking and the bear also stopped, so he carried on and again heard footsteps; sure enough the bear was still following him. He stopped, the bear stopped and again the same routine followed but now the bear was getting closer so in desperation he cried out, ‘Oh God save me from this bear!’.
God replied, ‘But you don’t believe in me; however, if you become a Catholic I’ll save you’, and the man replied, ‘I’ve been an atheist for so long how can I now become a Catholic, instead, can’t you make the bear a Catholic?’
‘Done’, said the Lord and the man carried on walking but when he turned around he saw the bear on its knees praying ‘For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful’.
Q. Why should you never stand behind the devil in the Post Office?
A. Because Satan takes many forms.
And a true story, regarding an episcopal alarm call, from Deacon Philip..
A certain bishop, who shall be nameless, was celebrating Mass in a church not a million miles from St Columba’s.
After Communion, people settled down to make their thanksgiving. But all of a sudden the silence in church was punctuated by a loud though muffled ringing sound. At the same moment the bishop, who had been in silent prayer sitting in his seat in the sanctuary, leaped to his feet and started beating his chest frantically with his hands.
The next moment he had produced a ringing travel alarm clock from an inside breast pocket. His feverish attempts to switch it off proved successful – eventually. Everything then lapsed back into what can only be described as a silence heavy with suppressed laughter.
The looks on the faces of the congregation must have been a joy to behold. Except for the poor bishop, who kept his eyes very firmly on the floor.
I know that story is true – because I was there. But please don’t ask me to reveal his identity or the name of the church. I might get excommunicated.